self esteem

When you first meet me, you think I am the most confident person in the world. I have so much ambition and confidence it seems to be bursting out of every hole in my body. You begin getting closer and closer to me and you only feel like my confidence is getting higher and higher. To be honest, I have so much self-esteem and self respect that its turned into narcissism and arrogance. In school I am a bully, I can stand in the middle of the courtyard and scream and not care what others think. I can start a campaign like boycott the canteen. I can stand up in front of the entire school and make up a speech on the spot. Outside of school, I can join groups and speak my mind, whether its with parents, people I don�t know, or my parents friends. I can speak my mind, and tell everyone exactly what I think. I have so much self respect that I am ambitious. And I know exactly what I want. I want to be a name that everyone around the world knows. And someday, that will be me. I can sit for hours and talk to people about what I want to do with my life, why I think the country is corrupt, and anything else I feel like saying.

Then I go home. I sit in bed. And I cry. I might have all the self respect I need, I really do. But I go home and cry. I cry because I don�t feel worthy. I cry because I don�t think I can do it. I cry because my mother doesn�t even know where I am. I cry because everyday I feel more and more distant from my best friend. I cry because no one could give a shit about me. My parents aren�t really proud of me. I've seen how they are around my sister. When they are with other people they brag on and on about her talents because that�s the only thing they can say about her. With me, its my grades. That�s saying if we are with anyone else. If its just me and my mom, all we talk about is my sister or my grades. She hasn�t realized that I haven�t talked with my best friend for over two months. She hasn�t realized I completely changed my group of friends. I care about some people so much. Yet, I feel like they don�t care about me half as much.

I don�t think people notice that im happiest when im away from Egypt, even happier when im away from my family as well, and the happiest when im away from Egypt, my family, and my friends. Its because when I meet new people, they don�t judge me. They only know whatever I want them to know. Wtv.